rumblings of a brattinella

When Hunk met Bratt

It was in april of 2008 that I first learned of sulit... didn't have any idea what it was about. I just saw my ex post an ad there. And that time, we just broke up so my curiosity got better of me and tried to browse through the site, hoping to read anything that could give me some info on how he is. Little did I know that the day I joined sulit was the day my life would have a complete turn around.

Everyday I would start my day looking forward to logging in to sulit... I would post my goodmorning greetings even before I have my breakfast! I would stay logged in to sulit the whole day until wee hours of the morning because  I was waiting for other sulitizens who lived abroad to sign in as well as sulitizens who were on the night shift. My only break from sulit would be during the time I went to hear mass... during that time I went to church everyday as part of my healing process. I went to church praying for healing... emotionally as well as spiritually. Little did I know that sulit would become a major instrument in that healing process. Days, months passed by, I became good as new, with newfound friends as well. I even started my "Love talks" thread that became one of the more popular threads during that time. People would post their love problems or love stories and I, along with a friend, nicegoodspeed, would give advices to them or congratulate them with their love story. Until one day, a guy with the username HUNK0429 joined the forum.

I must admit hunk0429 easily caught my attention. I guess it was because of his avvy. Little did I know that time, that he was to play a major role in my life.

Our love story began with a certain thread about posting your favorite songs. We would exchange posts since we happen to love almost the same songs. What I can say, we both loved music. Until people started to notice our exchange of posts and left us alone to post in that thread, hence, the beginning of our "love team" thread.

That love team thread evolved into a real life love story. At first, we didn't take it seriously, but took the time getting to know each other. I wasn't a big fan of online love stories plus I just came out of a break up so there was really a lot of apprehensions on my part. But I guess love can't be stopped once it's there. Everything happened too fast... but as fast as it came, it came strong. We faced trials in our relationship earlier than we were expected. Still caught up in the blur of sudden events, everything felt so right, and eventually, they fell into place. Reaching our first anniversary was truly a milestone for us. And we really celebrated it, celebrated our love, our triumph of overcoming all the trials that we had to face just to make the relationship work.  Hunk gave me a ring for our first anniversary. That ring said it all... there's no turning back, he was "the one" for me. I could never imagine living my life without him in it. And exactly a year after, we were married and blessed with a baby. I'm now 6 months pregnant on our first baby girl. 

When Hunk met Bratt, a new and genuine love blossomed. And along with a new relationship came a new set of friends. Friends whom I can say are true friends. Not online buddies, but true friends who would be there for us, and whom we would be there for. Thank you sulit for being the instrument in helping me and hunk find our happily everafter. When our baby comes out, she will be a certified Sulit baby! 

here's our first picture as a couple:

and this is us now... well at least before i got pregnant...

Here I go again...

Here I go again...

I've been through this countless times... being hurt, drowning in pain. But back then i was hurt because someone left me, or i left the person for good. This time, i'm in pain, but i don't know if i should fight back to make it work, or just face the end. I won't mention details anymore... just recounting what happened just deepens the cut too much... making the pain unfathomable.

When two people are inlove, and that love binds them together, should that be enough to hold on to and try making it work? even if it feels like their world is crumbling down? is it still right? should love be enough reason to go on? or should that love just be left as it is and go separate ways to avoid hurting each other more because they love each other?

I've been hurt countless times... and you've been a witness to that dear blog, but this is the first time that i'm hurt this much, it's the first time that i'm drowning in pain and still trying to fight back... hoping, trying to make things ok. despite having my heart being crushed to pieces, still i try to fight back, try to ignore the pain... so that i can be strong enough to make "us" work. but until when? i'm starting to get tired... somehow hoping he would take my hand and meet me halfway... but i don't think that will ever happen. i'm in this dark stage where i don't think i'll still be ok... that i would keep fighting until i'm numbed by pain... or until there's no more love left in me. help me blog... there's so much pain that i feel like i'm losing my sanity because of it. the worst part is he won't listen. he won't hear me out. i've tried soo many times to make him listen... but i always fail. what else can i do? should i let go? or should i keep trying to be strong and hope that one day he'd come to his senses and finally understand where i'm coming from?

Of Love and Insecurities..

Hello blog.... it's been a long long time!!! I'm really thankful I have this site to pour out my deepest sentiments; feelings, thoughts that I find it hard to share with other people.

Well, first of all, I can say that I finally got what I wanted... a quiet life, a partner whom I know loves me very much, I have my family's support and love. What else could I ask for? Just one, SECURITY.

It's something I found it hard holding on to... well at least for the past 2 years (almost), I thought I had it. It;s just this past weeks, insecurity came crawling back... I know it sounds crazy but I really am feeling insecure. And this time, it's not just that particular person, but I easily have suspicions on some people that are connected with my partner! I'm wondering if this is just caused by the hormones; maybe because of my pregnancy... or "the woman's instinct"?

Well, I right now, I really wish I could have one of those from Men In Black, that thing that could erase certain memories of people so I could use it on my partner and make him forget all about his past girlfriends! hahaha
Well, maybe because of that insecurity, it made me long to know that he loved me above all those girls.... not that he never reassured me... he always does... but why is it that there's this little feeling of insecurity that he still loves his ex or that he's still thinking about her never leaves my mind?

I know this is not healthy for me or for the baby... I need to shake this feeling off...

Fallin' Out

Here I am
Alone and I don't understand
Exactly how it all began
The dream just walked away

This is one stanza from the song " I Don't Want You To Go" by Lani Hall. Lately I find myself relating to this song. I don't understand how this could be happening. Why, despite all the assurances he did, am still feeling like we're drifting apart. I can't begin to explain how painful it is on my part, that I can't even make him understand why am I feeling this way. We've already talked and argued countless times about this but each time that we do, it's like nothing is being fixed; the issue still hangs like a dark cloud over the relationship.

Now as I sit here in front of my computer, I wonder, is this what you call "falling out"? If so, then why do we both claim to still love each other the way we always did?

We have been through worst times and we always made it through... which, thinking back now, did we really make it through? Or did we just turn our backs on those issues and went on with our lives as if nothing happened? Pretending and lying even to ourselves that everything is ok?

I can't even begin telling  my friends and start confiding in them about what I'm going through now... it's just me and my blog... where I can freely write what I think and feel...  and right now, I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of the puzzle...

Silent Tears

For all those suffering in silence...

The pain is deep,
No blood,
No tears,
Where it hurts is deep inside,

Silent tears stream down my face,
With each tear the pain only grows deeper,
Down, down, down,
They just keep falling down,

My future is cloudy,
My past so happy,
At this fork in the road,
I don't know what direction to take,

Silent tears stream down my face,
I squeeze my eyes shut tight,
Hoping they will go away,
But it only makes more spill out,

I hope to fall asleep,
Then morning comes,
They're still there,
Accompanied by the pain,

Silent tears stream down my face,
I reluctantly go on with life,
But not a soul ever notices,
For my tears are so silent.

---kuya istian---
xtian0000.multiply.com

Of Lies... and Love

You know that feeling where you feel like you've been cheated? Like you've laid down all your cards only to find out in the end that the person you've trusted so much was just hiding behind a mask?

Of lies, and love... of truth, and relationships...

It sucks big time to feel like you've learned from your past mistakes, move on,eventually fall in love again... and find out that you've fallen again into that very familiar pit of a failed relationship.

As I write this blog, I feel so tired and beat up. As I look back to the memories, I laugh at the good ones, and feel that very familiar stabbing pain when I remember the bad ones... and that pain won't go away anymore specially in knowing that I've given it my all, my best, sometimes even more than what I can all for the sake of my loved one; for a lasting relationship.

Why can't I seem to get it all right? I've always believed that everyone has their own destined partner... but I'm beginning to lose hope that someone out there is destined for me. It's like I always fall for the wrong person... but right now I'm having a hard time to sort out my feelings because once again, I'm facing that dilemma of not knowing if I really love that person and can't live without him... or worse, I'm just scared to be alone.

How do you finally draw the line? How do you determine if you really love someone and can't live without him? Or maybe the right question is: How can you tell if that person really and truly loves you? That he is worth fighting for?

Sitting here in front of my computer, trying to sort out my thoughts, one question comes into mind...
IS IT REALLY LOVE?

...more thoughts to come...

Smile

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be if he had loved me
Truly loved me, yes
I learned a while ago, that kind of thing, it never happens for me
And so I go around and just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let ‘em see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord know its killing me

[Chorus:]
So I put on my makeup
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is ok
I’m laughing ‘cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
‘Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face
Singing la la la (la la, la la)
la la, ( la la, la la, la la)
la la (la la)
Ooooh (la la la laahh)
Laaaah

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone hoping he might call me (call me)
But he don't call me (call me, call me, call me)
But then I realize dreams come true
Aren't for girls like me, not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends
I’m into other things
‘Cause you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows its killing me

[Chorus:]
And so I put on my makeup (put it on, put it on)
Put a smile on my face (a smile on my face)
And if anyone asks me (oooh yeah)
Everything is ok (oh I’m laughing)
I’m laughing ‘cause no one (no one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
But I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face (oooh)

It’s not an easy (thing to do)
Sometimes it’s hard to (face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me (no)
If he don't want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go (gooooo)

[Chorus:]
So I put on my makeup
Put a smile on my face (I put a smile on my face)
And if anyone ask me
Everything is ok
I’m laughing ‘cause no one (no one, no one)
Knows the joke is on me
‘Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
On my face
Singing, la la la (la la, la la)
la la, ( la la, la la, la la)
la la (la la, la la, la la la la laaa)
I’ll keep on singing la la
Lalalala……

Of Flowers and Thorns

In less than a week we'll be celebrating our 3rd monthsary... Wow! How fast time flies....

But looking back, it seems we've been through a lot as well... we just faced a trial that threatened to break up the relationship. Good thing that neither wants to part ways.

A few weeks ago, the so-called "ghosts of the past" haunted our relationship... ex-gf/bf's presence haunting our happy and peaceful relationship. Alas! before we knew it, our relationship was almost falling apart; each argument turned into a fight, each fight worse than the other. I'm really happy we were able to come out of it stronger than ever. And I really do hope and pray that it would be the last.

Relationships have their own share of flowers and thorns... Not everything will always be about hearts and flowers and the mushy stuff. You'll definitely have your own share of thorns and it just a matter of how you'll protect the realationship.

I had my own share of breakups and moments of finding myself feeling so alone. Now that I think I found "mr. right", I won't let my stubbornness get in the way.. there's no way of me letting him go just because of stupid things...

'Til death do us part, my love.

Forever begins...

Our first monthsary passed and thank God! We're stronger than ever! lolz.

Too bad I don't have pictures to share because I had an accident that day and we had to celebrate our monthsary at the hospital! hahahaha

That definitely was a memorable one... not because of the accident.. but it's when I saw how he never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital... how he tool care of me... whatever doubts I had that time vanished... and there was that particular look in his eye that told me how much he loves me.

We've taken the next step in our relationship...after our monthsary, we decided to get our own place... others may think it's too early, still premature... but for us, we believe we've been through enough and we're confident that from today, forever begins... and we intend to keep our promise of forever...

I'm so happy now and content, I couldn't ask for more... but hey, one wish won't hurt I guess... it's a wish that we stay this way, inlove and happy forever... I know that after the storm, I already found my rainbow... my light at the end of the dark tunnel...

I have my past to thank for all the lessons I've learned, for everything that I went through. I don't regret a single thing. Because if noy for those, destiny won't lead me to him... my love, my life, my forever.

So Inlove...

Before I start my post, lemme just share another poem that I made for the love of my life...

i love you and i will never stop loving you every single day of my life
i'd be the happiest woman on the day you make me your wife;
and when the time comes when we're both old and gray,
i promise not to let go holding your hand until my last day.

This poem expresses exactly how I feel...
This is me now... happy and so inlove...

happily inlove

No words can explain how happy I am now. I don't know how to say this without sounding bitter, but, I have my ex to thank for letting me go... for letting me go through what I did; because now I'm stronger, equipped with the lessons I've learned, I can be a better partner to my babyhunk..=)

I really wish that this time I got it right... because I can't imagine myself spending the rest of my life without him... without my better half.